Trust is to have confidence in the reliability, the good intentions,
and the ability of another. It is belief in someone else that they can
be counted on and will be there when needed.
No relationship can survive if trust is missing. Otherwise good marriages
and friendships have been broken by the destruction of trust.
Suspicion mounts; motives are questioned; statements are disbelieved.
Rancor grows; the one not trusted may become defensive and resentful. Secrets
are not shared; lives once open to one another are walled up; the spirit
of the doubter closes up to the spirit of the one not trusted.
While love is a gift, trust is earned. Trust takes time to build and
establish, but can be lost in an instant of untruth or unreliability or
unfaithfulness.
Trust is only one side of the coin. Trustworthiness is the other. People
who are not worthy of trust should not expect that others will place confidence
in them.
One indiscretion with a member of the opposite sex can destroy your
trustworthiness. One lie can make all your other statements suspect. One
failure to perform what was expected can make others hesitate to rely on
you in the future. One hurtful, abusive and hostile action can make the
other recoil from further contact for a long time in the future.
So, how do we learn to trust again? And how do we re-establish our own
trustworthiness?
How do we learn to trust again?
Clearly this is a desirable aim. That marriage we entered into with
good intentions and high hopes is too valuable to toss away without doing
everything in our power to re-establish a groundwork of trust. That friendship
that brought so much joy to all concerned is too precious to forfeit without
doing all we can do to rebuilt the basis of mutual respect and confidence.
I believe the first step in rebuilding trust is to forgive the offender.
To forgive does not mean that you will mentally or emotionally forget the
breach of trust, right away or ever. To forgive does not mean that you
say that the offense was all right. Abuse, broken promises, infidelity
and failed responsibilities are not all right. To forgive does not mean
that you have to be a gullible fool who simply allows the other to trample
you underfoot.
To forgive simply means that you will not allow your anger, resentment
and emotions to control how you treat the other person. It means that instead
of slamming the door closed to further relationship, you keep it open.
Forgiveness means not seeking revenge, but giving a blessing instead. To
forgive means not treating the other person as if they were guilty. Forgiving
is releasing the right to punish or to exact retribution for the wrong
suffered.
Then the second step is to make a decision, not on the basis of emotion,
but of the will, to trust. It is to determine to give the other person
another chance - even a chance to fail. It is to consciously put responsibility
and confidence in the other person and then to let them respond to that
opportunity.
The next step is to refuse to give place to nagging, negative thoughts.
Determine that, apart from concrete evidence to the contrary, you are going
to believe in the other person. Instead of wondering, "Is he / she being
unfaithful right now?" tell yourself, "He / she is being faithful to me!"
Rather than thinking, "He'll probably break his word!" tell yourself, "He
will fulfill his promise!" Don't think, "I can never trust her again!"
but "I will learn to trust her fully!"
Perhaps the other person doesn't deserve to be trusted. But for the
sake of the relationship it is well to give another chance to earn the
trust. It may never be reclaimed, but it is worth the effort.
Nobody should just demand to be trusted. If you have broken trust, it
is far from adequate just to say, "You just need to trust me!" Trust is
not coerced or demanded; it is earned. To complain, "You just don't trust
me!" doesn't answer the difficulty, either. You are right! Your wife or
your husband or your friend doesn't trust you. They trusted you once and
you let them down miserably. That's why the problem exists. But who created
the problem? The one who was unfaithful, or lied, or failed in responsibility.
It is up to you to earn the trust back.
How do we re-establish our own trustworthiness?
The first step is to establish an accountability concept. Invite your
wife or husband to call you when you are absent. Be ready to give account
of your activities. Answer questions to put the other person's mind at
ease.
Then you need to be scrupulously honest. Speak the truth (all of it,
not just half-truths!) and do the truth. That is, never tell a lie and
always do what you say you will do. Be truthful about your past history,
your present associations and activities, your motives, your thoughts and
your intentions. Never give, or allow to stand, any false impressions about
what you are saying or doing. Honesty is as essential to building trust
as heat, fuel and oxygen are essential to sustaining fire.
Spend quality time together so that your leisure activities pull you
together instead of separating you. When you are spending discretionary
time apart from one another, all sorts of nagging doubts about what you
are doing, who you are with, whether or not you are being trustworthy crop
up. Time together doing mutually edifying things builds trust.
Finally, for both parties involved in a broken trust, let me urge upon
you God's counsel. Following God’s instructions for good relationships
will help you give trust and to be trustworthy.
"If therefore there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any
consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection
and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining
the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Do nothing from
selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you
regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out
for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others."
Philippians 2:1-4 (NASB)
"And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for
the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor
and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. And be kind to
one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ
also has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:30-32 (NASB)
"Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is
good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one
another in honor;" Romans 12:9-10 (NASB)
"To sum up, let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted,
and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult,
but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose
that you might inherit a blessing. For, 'Let him who means to love life
and see good days refrain his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking
guile. And let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace
and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are upon the righteous, and His
ears attend to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those
who do evil.' And who is there to harm you if you prove zealous for what
is good? But even if you should suffer for the sake of righteousness, you
are blessed." 1 Peter 3:8-14 (NASB)
Give the gift of trust out of sheer love. Learn to be trustworthy out of a genuine concern for integrity and the relationship. The onus of relationship building is on both parties. Don't fail in doing that and your marriage, your friendship and other associations will be the better for it.